Assalamu'alaikum & Hai.
Those situations given below bukannya betul but sekadar rekaan semata-mata but it is okay kalau nak fikir camtu pun because...well no reason actually just yeah. A very-very long post alert, well tak panjang but not recommended to read bc it is abt me ((again))
A: Do you like this?
B: *heart's screaming:
B: ...ummmph...yes...?
Aku rasa aku perlu lebih honest, stronger and more straightforward. Sometimes aku ni terlalu concern dengan orang, meaning that
A: Kau pergi tak tempat Z? Aku takut aku sorang je...teehee
B: (brain & heart start the pointless arguement: kalau kau pergi, semua bahagia but ur opportunity cost is ur own happiness. however, if evr kau decline th invitation means kau kena susun few methods n persuasive words bc dia definitely akan touching) Well, boleh...
B:...aku free je.
But sometimes aku risau bila aku jadi jujur ke straightforward ke apa, aku akan cakap tanpa guna otak untuk susun ayat dengan betul and I guess thats why Bahasa aku when I was in highschool sangat susah nak score esp in Tatabahasa...well it is a sad life, in fact. Tuu lah, I should be ashamed, sebagai orang Melayu.
A: Kau rasa yang ni okay tak?
B: *thinking* *scroll mata everywhere sebab nak evaluate secara overall secara geniusnya*
B: (at last come out w so-called brilliant yet too honest thought/opinion) Takyah rasa, memang langsung tak okay. Tak pernah sesuai pun dengan kau.
A: ... *banging head on the wall, touching...atoto*
B: *terkejut dengan apa yg berlaku kat A* *cuba pujuk tapi...
...gagal* ((haha nampak sangat bukan pelembut orangnya))
In reality, this is really whats always happening to meh tapi tuu lah ayat macam tuu orang akan terasa. Oh maybe sometimes no bukan sometimes orang selalu misinterpret or misjudge or misunderstand aku. Ada orang kata, people who born in December memang nasib hidup cenggitu well idk but aku selalu in that kind situation where people starting to doubt u or put blames on u or wanna pick a catfight w u. And thats really frustrating and bila aku in that situation I guess my stress yang rarely ada tuu tetiba just boosted up dramatically and my condition will b really bad I think at the worst bc that shit affects my mental and physical.
A: Kau dah lah tak datang, pastu langsung tak tolong. Tak guna betik.
B: ((W-W-WHAAAAAAT...
B:...((Kau tak nampak aku buat apa belakang mata kau, kau dah buat that stupid konklusi yg akan membawa dosa ke atas diri kau and dosa itu dilabel fitnah okay?)) ...haha...nak buat acano kan?
Usually tuu je aku mampu respond or maybe an awkward silent that really makes me appeared to look like a fool, useless, and the worst. Idt that kita perlu tunjuk kita kerja kuat sangat on smth kan, imo, bc even if kita tunjuk ppl just don't understand ur efforts. Lagi-lagi org macam aku. Normally orang takkan faham how I usually finish the stuff, even my habits and daily routines like eating, sleeping, and everything. Evn to the extend that aku sendiri tak faham bc everything in my life, my world is difficult to be well-explained. Kalau tanya aku pun maybe aku would leave ye a half-assed ans n ye will still unsatisfied. So, "whadddhoodoo?"
But aku tak boleh berharap yang orang faham or akan faham or forever faham aku sebab aku sendiri takde rasa nak memahami orang. Well ikr thats a selfish statement. Well in the reality the statement is proven as a true st. Okay, kau tak pernah tolong orang, macam mana orang nak tolong kau? So sama je lah macam my thought tadi kan? Just say it right.
Bila aku reflect everything back aku macam "Wow...I'm actually the worst, the weakest being on this world...lagi teruk dari amoeba" and the fact that is true but I keep pretending to be stronger that I appeared well act tipu lah tuu. Appearance aku ni dah buat orang ada high expectation like kan aku selalu cakap how usually ppl would always judge be by innocently saying that aku ni sombong, berlagak pandai, plastik sebab make-up and stuffs. And some would say "biasa je budak ni, no harm", "malas","budak kampung", and yada yada. And sometimes to the extent that no one really has guts nak tegur kesalahan aku sebab "baran", "garang", "menakutkan", "dia tak terima teguran" ((tbvh aku boleh dengar but normally aku tersentap n fyi semua orang react macam tuu esp if thats their first time receiving critics. how could u say aku garang/baran if tak pernah rasa aku scold or flip tables right on ur face))
Well, ye know right, ppl, you are free to judge me since hak bersuara hak kita kan? But I never have time to judge you, ppl sebab dunia aku ni even though it seems dull but it is act awesomazing ye know. Oh wait. Ye nvr know, too bad.
I thought nak buat tatau je dengan semua benda ni but then aku fikir balik. If I really ignore everything, aku jadi ignorant lah kan? And being ignorant is the worst. Buka jadi ignorant je, ego aku jadi thicker and thicker, and then aku jadi headstrong. Aku taknak dohhh, seriously tak nak. But what if aku accept everything, like accepting every strawberry milk tea offers from chatime or maybe each-a-cup or maybe homemade ((made by meh, ofc))? A big no okay, ain't nobody got time for those shits. Haha nampak tak ego nak terima teguran and critics? Habis, acano nak respond? "No comments" Well I ain't not a retis k. But I guess just shut the fridge up will do...meaning that being silent is the best way.
Apa yang kau buat, kau je tahu and Allah yang Maha Mengetahui segala niat, sebab, dan perilaku kau. Sebab kita hidup not for His creations, but for Him. Kalau nak sangat aku explain kenapa aku buat itu ini, memang like forever anyone will never get it. Evn kawan for years pun tak fully understand aku but compared to me, I'm the worst lah. Tuu lah, cakap pasal aku, perasaan aku ni, macam siapkan a whole report padahal the real work are still undone lagi.
The reason I made this post is bc that work. That's all, wassalamu'alaikum and Muslims, enjoy this Ramadhan al-Mubarak.
P/S: Well aku rasa aku just let myself live this life, buat anything yang aku nak as long as aku rasa betul and rationale. Aku tak boleh pretend dah, sebab it feels like I lie to myself and that butt-hurt feeling is so frustrating. Idw my past to repeat again n again , evn though ppl ((sometimes n some of them)) can be so mean, I just have to face them n let them pass.
PP/S: Since bulan ni Ramadhan, aku harap aku berubah lah. Haha a tough mission. Some ppl, nak reward or anything nice but aku nak good and positive changes. Well, so long.
